Oh Brother

Happy March Everyone!  To be perfectly honest with you dear readers, the beginning of March is actually never happy around here.  Today/tomorrow will mark 11 years since we've seen my big brother, Sean Galloway, whom Sean Brendan is named after.  My brother Sean had a personality that seemed bigger than life, and maybe it was just that--his spirit and soul were too big, too gregarious, too much to stay confined in his mortal body, and at 22 years old, 11 years ago, he was called home. 

4 years ago I found out I was pregnant for the first time and we were over the moon.  As soon as I could pull out our Natural Family Planning resources to calculate the due-date, I was overwhelmed with emotion.  March 1st.  I thought, finally, that date will have some redemption for our family.  It will be speakable again, and it will be joyful.  Then, as quickly as those thoughts came, our baby too, was called home before his time.  I was supposed to be enjoying a sweet baby in my arms on March 1st, and now i just felt empty and sad again and that dreaded date lingered even more in the dark areas of my heart.

When I spent these dreary days of the beginning of March in Detroit or South Bend or Maryland, the weather always seemed to fit my mood.  The gray perma-cloud always lingered this time of year, all of nature was a brownish-icky color, it was too warm to snow and too cold to do anything fun outside. Its usually the middle of Lent (which starts late this year, as it did in the early days of our grief in 2000), a time of sacrifice and austerity. It was just Blah, and I sort of liked it because it allowed me to wallow inside by myself.

But, today, it is 70 degrees and sunny in Charleston, and Sean Brendan and I just finished our second tour of a preschool.  The two boys and I had a fun lunch including graham crackers for everyone (first try for Jamesie, and it was a smashing success!), and at Sean's request we sang "Sweet Baby James" and "Beautiful Boy" together before naps.  Although I still think about our first pregnancy and it makes me sad, as I looked at my two boys (in matching shirts) today, I was reminded of something a friend once told me-- if it weren't for our first baby, Sean would never be here.  I don't value one more than the other, but it makes it easier to think about the first loss as that baby's sacrifice for his brother Sean.  While I could have been celebrating a 3rd birthday today, I wouldn't be touring preschools with a 2 1/2 year old. 

Speaking of our 2 1/2 year old, he was named after a really great big brother.  Our brother Sean was always imaginative, fun, loud, silly, and always kind to us.  Denise and I never grew up with the big brother that beat us up or threatened us, rather, he showered us with kisses and gifts when we were little (Sean started a tradition that we give our siblings gifts on our own birthday, a tradition I still like to practice once in a while), and compliments when we were older.  When Cody and I had our little guy, we hoped he would one day be a big brother and embody those qualities as well.  Who better to name him after?  Grief is an interesting thing--the feelings of loss at this time of year tend to be just as strong as they were 11 years ago, but as time goes on you have more good days and more happy times in row.  Eventually the happy times out number the bad memories and you start to feel good more often than not.  I still wallow in flashbacks and difficult thoughts at this time of year, but having a little boy named Sean and watching him be a big brother to a little boy named James certainly allows me to have more happy moments than sad.  For that I am very grateful.  And for moments like the following, I am very grateful: 

We both have orange shirts and basketballs. Awesome. Look at Seannie holding Jamesie's hand...so sweet!

The first of many kisses for the day.  Sometimes when Jamesie wakes up from a nap Sean will cover him in kisses on his face and his hands, and take a few good smells of the after-nap-baby-scent (wonder where he learns that???), then say "Jamesie is soft and warm."

Sean teaching Jamesie some game.  I'm not sure what it is, but it entertained both of them for quite some time.

And then it turned into more kisses.

Bedtime silly time!

Which then turns into more kisses and hugs.  When I was taking this picture Sean was actually saying, "Seannie and Jamesie are best buddies."  I have never taught him that-- straight out of his 2-year-old heart! Although, it seems Sean still needs to learn when to give his "best buddy" some personal space.